I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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