My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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