I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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