life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
