I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
