I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
