my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
