3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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