I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
