so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
