He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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