My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
