Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
