btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
