I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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