I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
