he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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