Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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