one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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