So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
