i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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