Me too!
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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