I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
