Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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