my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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