You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
