Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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