I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
