There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
