You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
