Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
