He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
