So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
