Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
