just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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