...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
