We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
why do cheetos always look like penises
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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