I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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