Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
