I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
