he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
