saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
