I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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