yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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