I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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