Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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