I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
