the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I need a beard to bite.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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