Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and she was petting her beer can
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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