walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
