i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
