Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
