I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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